


Seishin no Byoki (Malady of the Mind)

by avadedrahetarra



Series: Seishen no Byoki (Malady of the Mind) [1]
Category: Gackt - Fandom, GacktJOB
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-04-01 18:54:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4030894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avadedrahetarra/pseuds/avadedrahetarra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Ghosts of his past have met the Ghosts of his present, leaving Gackt unstable. In his desperation and fear, he drives You away, into the arms of Chachamaru for comfort and safety. Trying hard to regain his own mind, Gackt battles with the voice of the love of his life, Kami who died years ago, in an effort to save the love of his soul mate. </p><p>Can Ghosts be possessed by other Ghosts? What happens to us if they are?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lost

1\. Lost

 

They realized something was wrong when Gackt didn’t show up for practice. They started to worry when he didn’t answer his phones. They called his house and both of his cell phones, but there was nothing.

You offered to go back to the house and find out what was amiss. Giving Chachamaru his promise to call the moment he found anything out, You packed up his violin and left the studio, confusion and fear weighing heavily on his mind. As he maneuvered through mid-day traffic, You fought to keep his mind from thinking all the worst things. Gackt sick. Gackt hurt. Gackt dead.

No. No, that couldn’t be. Gackt was fine when You had left that morning. He’d had a slight headache, but he was healthy, promising to follow behind soon. At a red light, he tried the house again, but the phone rang until the voicemail picked up. Snapping his cell shut, You chewed his lip and gripped the steering wheel hard.

You pulled into the driveway a few minutes later and climbed out. He took the side door into the garage and counted the cars. Gackt had to be home; all the cars were still in their appropriate spots. Moving quickly, he slipped into the darkened house.

“Gaku?” he called. “Are you home?”

The silence hung eerily in the air, making the shadows loom ever closer and thicker than normal. Moving with practiced ease through the darkness, he peered into the living room, devoid of lit candles, and saw nothing. In the first three bedrooms and the studio, only more darkness and silence met him. At the back of the house, a set of stairs led up to Gackt’s private study and down to the sublevel that housed Gackt’s room, his gym, his showcases, and other random rooms that had multiple uses, Gackt’s newest addition being a game room complete with a massive TV.

Biting his lip, You started up the stairs.

All the candles were lit in the study, showing with perfect clarity the mess that covered the floor. Books were ripped off of the shelves and strewn everywhere; the cushions of the couch had been torn open and thrown. Every picture on the wall was either smashed on the floor or missing its glass. You stood clutching the doorway, taking it all in, when a light groan drew his attention.

“Gaku? Satoru?” Rounding the desk, You dropped to his knees. Gackt lay curled on his side, one hand thrown over his head. “Satoru, wake up. Come on, open your eyes. It’s me, it’s You, come on.”

Gackt’s eyelids flickered, his lips parted, and he began to cry. In great gasping sobs, the normally strong and stoic vocalist curled into a tighter ball and wailed.

“Kami! Kami, I’m s-sorry! I’m s-so s-sorry…” he called. “I’m s-sorry. Please forgive me! Kami!”

 

“No, Cha, he won’t let me call a doctor. I’ve tried to convince him, but you know how he is.” You paced the back deck, his haggard face lit by the evening sun. Clutching his cell phone tightly, he suddenly wished for a smoke. “Yes, I know, Cha, but you have to understand my position here. Don’t yell at me! I’m just as scared as you are!” He listened for a few more moments then slammed the phone shut in disgust, cutting the older man off mid-sentence. “Damn it, Cha.”

Rubbing his face with one hand, he re-entered the house. Gackt was sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the wall in front of him.

“Gackt, are you hungry?” You asked softly, sitting beside him and resting a gentle hand on his knee. “I can make you something.”

Gackt blinked and turned to look at You. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?” You looked confused.

“For missing practice.”

You waved a hand. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Is Cha angry with me?” Gackt looked worried.

“Cha? Of course not,” You lied. “He knows that sometimes the best laid plans get messed up. He’s used to it, trust me.”

In an effort to keep the truth from showing in his face, You stood and paced to a window. The brutally honest truth of the matter was that Chachamaru was seething. He was _furious_. You hadn’t told him the whole story, only that he’d found Gackt in a faint. He hadn’t told the band leader about Gackt’s sobbing, or the calling out for Kami, or the mess in the study. He didn’t feel right being the one to bring it up; it was Gackt’s business.

 _“Calling out… for Kami,”_ You thought, chewing on his lower lip. Tears threatened again.

He’d been Gackt’s lover for eight years; devoted, honest, loyal. He’d known about Kami, everyone had, but Gackt had never, _ever_ , brought Kami’s memory between them. You had accepted long ago that Kami’s memory might actually mean more to Gackt in the long run. He’d lived with that. But, today, the emotion that had been in those cries… like a long buried secret riding a tidal wave to the surface of thought.

“You?” Gackt had come up behind him. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” You answered, not turning around. “I’m just worried, that’s all.”

Gackt slid his arms around You’s slender frame, and for one second, the violinist let himself forget what had happened. But then the sound of Gackt’s anguish echoed in his head once more and the moment ended.

“You just shivered,” Gackt said, tightening his grip. “What’s wrong?”

“You… don’t remember what happened? At all?” You turned in Gackt’s arms and looked closely at his face. “Any of it?”

“No,” Gackt answered softly. “I don’t.”

But You saw that glimmer, that hint of guilt. Gackt remembered something, he just wasn’t saying.

“Alright,” You said. “Alright. I believe you. Satoru, you do know that I love you, right? More than anything in this world, and beyond it.”

“Of course I know that,” Gackt smiled, reaching up to pet You’s face. “Of course. I love you, too.”

“I want to feel you,” You whispered, capturing Gackt’s hand. “I want to feel you all around me. Please… let me make love to you. Right now.”

Never one to say no to his lover, Gackt nodded. You drew Gackt’s T-shirt over his head, discarding it to one side and running his fingertips down the beautifully sculpted torso. He drew Gackt into a deep kiss, agile fingers making quick work of belt and jeans, and soon they, too, were discarded on the floor.

Seeing Gackt naked in candlelight always made You want to weep. Today, though, it only fired his lust. Quickly shedding his own clothing, he pressed his body close to his lover’s, closing his eyes as soft fingers traced circles across his back.

“Bedroom?” Gackt whispered.

“No.” You looked up. “Right here.”

Gackt smiled. “As you wish.”

Together they lay on the floor, their bodies twined together as they twined their tongues in a kiss. Years of love making and wild romps had trained their bodies to accept one another, so there was very little need for preparation. You positioned himself between Gackt’s legs and guided himself to the place he desperately wanted to be. They groaned as they met; their bodies were one and the same.

“Gaku…” You moaned, shifting his hips to the angle he knew would drive Gackt up the wall.

The vocalist clung to him, giving voice to his own passions, his own desires, freeing himself in a way no one but You ever saw.

“Ah…” You moved faster, pushing deeper. He propped himself on his hands and looked down at Gackt, loving his face when they made love.

Gackt cried out, his body arching. “Kami…!”

You stopped abruptly, lips parted, eyes wide. “W-what did you say?”

Gackt’s eyes opened, at once terrified and sorry. “I… I…”

You pulled away, scrambling across the floor in the direction of his clothing. Grabbing the items, he bolted for the back of the house. Gackt sat up, flinching when he heard a bedroom door slam. He slowly rose and dressed himself before flopping down onto the couch. In the quiet, he could hear You trying to suppress his anguished cries. That knowledge tore his heart to shreds. Staring at the ceiling, he wondered what was wrong with him.

 _There’s nothing wrong with you,_ a voice whispered in his ear. He’s _the problem._ He’s _the one who messes things up. Because_ you _let him._

Gackt rolled over pressed his face into one of the pillows on the couch. “No,” he moaned. “No. Leave me alone. Leave me alone, please leave me alone.”

The voice in his head subsided, laughing. Soon, the only sound in the house were You’s sharp, heaving sobs.

Eventually, Gackt shoved himself to his feet and moved quietly down the hall. He paused outside the only room that was closed up, the one You had retreated to, and listened at the door. At first, there was no sound, then You sniffled and shuffled across the carpet. He was pacing. Gackt retreated up to his study.

You waited until he was sure Gackt was upstairs before slowly opening the door. Pulling it closed behind him, he beat a hasty retreat back through the house and out to his car. Gackt would go crazy when he realized that You was gone, but the violinist was beyond caring right now. The only thing he wanted was to be away from Gackt for a while.

En route, he called Hyde, Gackt’s closest friend outside of the band. Keeping his voice even, he asked Hyde if he could look in on Gackt later, call him or maybe go over if he wanted. Gackt hadn’t been feeling well today and You had had something urgent come up and couldn’t be at the house. Hyde, a hint of confusion in his voice, agreed to drive over to Gackt’s on his way home from the studio. Assuring the older man that he’d repay the courtesy as soon as he could, he thanked Hyde and hung up. Next, he called Chachamaru.

“I’m sorry to call you at home,” he said, turning toward a park that he loved. “I really am… but… something happened. Could you meet me?”

Chachamaru, his ire at being disturbed at home after such a rotten day melting, agreed and said he’d be there soon. You told him where just as he pulled into the small lot and killed the engine. He wiped away the new tears that wanted to fall, sucking in a deep breath and climbing out of the car. He climbed the walking trail slowly, picking his way through the shadows as the sun dropped into the tree line. He couldn’t believe that the day was already drawing to a close.

Cresting the hilltop, he dropped onto a bench, leaning forward to rest his arms on the hand rail that kept people from going down the other side. It wasn’t a steep drop, but there was a river at the bottom. You remembered sneaking over the railing as a young teen, just to say he’d done it. Sighing, he closed his eyes and waited.

“Robot?”

Prying his eyes open a few minutes later, You rotated his head on his chin and saw Chachamaru standing next to him. At the look of worry and sorrow on the band leader’s face, You gave in to his pain and began to cry again. Cha stepped forward, wrapping his arms around You and holding him, letting the violinist cry into his hip. He petted the younger man’s dark hair and watched the sun finish setting.

It was nearly full dark when You finally sat back, scrubbing at his face. Chachamaru studied him in the fading light, ill at ease to note the dark circles rimming his eyes and the haggard lines at the corners of his mouth.

“Now,” Chacha sat down and slipped an arm around You’s shoulders. “Tell me what this is all about. What happened?”

His voice shaky, You told Chacha everything.

“This has been going on for weeks,” You said finally, sagging against Chacha’s side. “He’ll go into odd fits where he’s paranoid of every sound. He’ll jump like someone’s pinched him and look around like he expects to see someone. And if I ask him about it, he clams up. Denies it. I don’t know what to do.”

“And this tonight. Has he done that before?”

You shook his head miserably. Chachamaru pulled him closer, torn between being worried about Gackt and being pissed enough to go right over and bash his head with his favorite guitar. It was a fair toss up.

From the darkness, You’s cell phone rang. Chacha heard the man groan, but neither of them made a move to answer it. It was Gackt’s tone, and the whole band knew it. Eventually it stopped, followed a few moments later by the voicemail alert.

“I don’t know what to do,” You repeated.

“Neither do I. Come on, you can come stay with me tonight if you want.”

You looked at Chachamaru with such gratitude that the older man’s heart broke. He hated seeing his family in pain; it left him feeling powerless and vulnerable. Especially when it was Robot. Masa had held a similar place in Chacha’s heart, but the petite guitarist had proven himself to be strong and independent. You, on the other hand, had always remained fragile, gentle.

Chacha smiled and pulled You to his feet. “You don’t have to go back to the house tonight. I’ve got some things that might fit you. And you know I’m always stocked with spare everything.”

You allowed himself a light laugh. Old habits, considering the times the band had spent at Chacha’s house, drinking until dawn and sleeping where they landed. But that was before Gackt got too busy. Before the movies and TV shows. Before everything. You sighed, feeling his smile and laughter fade away. He clung to Chacha’s hand as they descended the path. It was full dark now, and even though You wasn’t afraid of the dark, he felt safe and secure next to Chachamaru. They all did.

Chachamaru gave him a hard hug before turning to his own car. You missed the warmth immediately, but slid behind the wheel and started the engine. His phone rang twice more before he pulled in behind his band leader’s car. Chacha pulled him from the car, took the phone and the keys, and led him into the house. He waited outside the bathroom door while You put on a pair of warm sweat pants and a T-shirt, then tucked him into bed in the guest room.

Assuring the young guitarist that he’d be right down the hall if he needed anything, Chachamaru retreated, sure that You was asleep before the door was closed. He could tell that the strain of the day had finally done him in and that sleep was the best remedy for his weary mind and broken heart.

Chachamaru turned You’s cell phone off and set it in the kitchen next to the car keys. Dropping himself onto the couch, he reached for the cordless phone.

“You? Is that you?” Gackt’s voice was tinted with sorrow and fear.

“No,” Chachamaru said, forcing calm into his own voice. “It’s me. But he’s here, asleep. You better have a damn good explanation for this, Satoru.”

The band leader could imagine the full body wince that Gackt must have experienced and garnered some bit of pleasure from it.

“I… I don’t…” Gackt stuttered.

“Why am I not surprised?”

“Wait… what did he tell you?” Panic now.

“Enough to make me think that maybe he shouldn’t go near you for a while. You hurt him, Satoru.”

“I know, Cha, I know. And I… I don’t know… I can’t explain… it just… just… happened.”

“Bullshit,” Chachamaru spat, venom in his voice. He cast a glance at the hallway and lowered his voice. “Don’t lie to me! We’ve all known for _years_ that Kami’s come first and foremost in your every thought and in your heart. We’ve been grateful that you’ve never used that against You, too. But you haven’t _seen_ , Satoru, how it eats him alive! And now, this, tonight… by the gods, Satoru, you are a bastard.”

Chachamaru hung up, dropping the phone back in the cradle. After a moment’s hesitation, he reached to the back of the cradle and flipped a small switch, cutting the ringer off for the night. Not that he believed Gackt would call back. The man wasn’t _that_ stupid. The whole of JOB, old and new members, knew that you _never_ called Cha at home unless the emergency was dire. Rubbing his face, he looked at the clock. It was only eight thirty, too early yet for bed. Keeping the volume low, he flipped mindlessly through the television channels.

You stood at the bedroom door, one ear pressed close, his hand clasped tightly over his mouth to stifle the whimpers that rose from his throat. He’d never known Chacha to be so mean, so vicious. It scared him. He went back to the bed and curled up under the blankets, blocking out all light and sound for a few hours of uneasy slumber. When he rose again, the bedside clock read eleven fifteen. His bladder felt ready to explode. Emerging from his warm nest, he stumbled into the hallway.

Crossing back to the room, he glanced toward the living room and saw that the lights and TV were still on. Moving quietly, he peeked around the corner and spotted Cha, his eyes fixed vacantly on some late night re-run of a music show.

“Cha?”

The older man blinked and swiveled his head around slightly. “You? Did I wake you?”

“No,” You answered quickly, motioning with his hand when Cha made to rise. “You didn’t. I had to… I mean…”

Cha chuckled at the light blush that rose in the younger man’s cheeks. Years of being Gackt’s lover and a member of the band, and he still couldn’t even talk about going to the bathroom. You smiled, though his eyes were ringed in dark circles.

“Come sit with me,” Cha said, patting the couch. “I think we could both use the company.”

You crossed the room and flopped down onto the couch, pulling his legs up and wrapping his arms around his knees. Cha watched him from the corner of his eye. They both stared numbly at the music show, barely noticing the band as they bounced around the stage, the vocalist attempting to dance in circles around the bassist. Eventually, You unfurled his limbs and stretched, stifling a yawn.

“Hey Cha…”

“Hn?”

“Do you regret what happened back then?”

“Sometimes.”

“Do you wish it was different?”

“Every time he makes you cry.”

“Would you change it?”

Cha thought for a long time on that. “I don’t know, honey. I really just don’t know.”


	2. Endangered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ghosts of his past have met the Ghosts of his present, leaving Gackt unstable. In his desperation and fear, he drives You away, into the arms of Chachamaru for comfort and safety. Trying hard to regain his own mind, Gackt battles with the voice of the love of his life, Kami who died years ago, in an effort to save the love of his soul mate.
> 
> Can Ghosts be possessed by other Ghosts? What happens to us if they are?

  1. Endangered



 

The day dawned cool and bright, but You and Chachamaru missed it. They’d sat up in the living room talking until three, reminiscing and sharing laughs at the antics of their ever changing band and memories of their childhoods. At some point, the TV had been turned off, then later, they’d wound up curled in a tangle of limbs and blankets in the guestroom bed.

Chacha woke first, disoriented for a moment before remembering where he was in his house. The warmth next to him shifted, muttered incoherently, then fell still again. Gingerly lifting the blanket, Chacha smiled down at the sleeping face of You where it lay a few inches from his chest. The young man had dreamed badly for a while, clinging to Chacha like a child to a teddy bear. He’d even shed a few tears in his sleep, although Chacha doubted he’d remember. But now, he was sleeping deeply, all the stress and worry that would soon come crashing back into his face nothing but a memory of another day, another life.

He made himself lay still until You finally surfaced from sleep.

“…’sthetime…?” he slurred, rubbing his eyes.

“Almost noon.” Chacha smiled.

“Wow. That’s late. When did we crash?”

“Couldn’t tell you.”

You sat up, yawning and stretching. Gathering his clothes from the day before, he disappeared across the hall into the bathroom. Chacha watched him until the door closed, then vacated to his own bathroom attached to his bedroom.

You was in the kitchen making coffee when Chacha emerged, still damp from his shower. The younger man smiled as he picked up his phone and turned it on. He frowned when the screen flashed on. Chewing his lip, he accessed his voicemail and listened.

Chacha poured himself a cup of coffee and sat at the small breakfast table by the window, sipping and watching You closely. From the length of time the messages lasted, it seemed that Gackt hadn’t given up, even after the phone call from Chacha. You’s fingers flexed on the counter top, as if he could grip it like a lifeline. His back was to Cha, but the band leader could see the tension in the set of his shoulders and the way his lower back twitched. The man looked ready to snap. Finally, he put the phone down, but didn’t turn.

“Hyde showed up after you called, I guess,” he said quietly. “I could hear him from time to time in the messages. Gackt, uh, cried a few times. I hate the sound of him crying. It’s painful.”

Chachamaru held himself still at the table, gripping the cup hard. “What will you do?”

“Well, I have to go back at some point. I can’t stay here forever.”

“You could for a while. You know I don’t mind the company. Or with Ju-Ken. Or even Ren, if he’s not busy.”

You finally turned around, that haggard and old look on his face again. “I could stay here?”

“Of course.”

“Will you come back with me? I don’t know… if I can face him alone right now.”

Chachamaru nodded. “First things first, though. Food. Sit down, have your coffee. I’ll make us some lunch. We don’t have to go right away.”

You looked grateful, pouring his coffee and sitting down. His phone rang almost immediately. With a glance at Chacha, he answered it.

“I’m here, Gackt. No, I’m okay.” A long pause. “Not for a while. Sometime this afternoon. Gackt… I won’t be staying long. I just… need time.” Another pause. Chachamaru could hear the panic and pleading in Gackt’s voice, even if he couldn’t hear the words. “Of course I do. I’m just confused and hurting right now. I think… no, don’t say that. That’s not true, stop being so stupid. I just need a few days.” You’s face contorted somewhere between sadness and sheer anger. “Stop that, right now. If you do something stupid like that, then you’re worse off than we thought. Don’t you dare. I know you’re in pain, we both are. Right now’s just not a good time. Yes, I know. Alright. In a few hours, yes. No, don’t cancel anything you’ve got planned. Alright. Okay. Goodbye.”

You dropped the phone onto the table with a clatter and rubbed his eyes. Chachamaru tossed a hand towel over his shoulder and made himself busy at the stove, giving You time to collect himself.

“He was idiot enough to threaten suicide again,” You finally said.

Chacha groaned. “Great.”

“Cha, what do I do?”

“Self-preservation, sweetheart.”

You stared at Chachamaru with wide eyes. “What?”

“Gackt won’t do something that stupid. You know that. We all know that.”

You looked unconvinced.

“Look,” Cha turned around, tossing the towel onto the counter. “As much as I love Satoru, even I have to admit that he’s nothing more than an attention seeking whore. He’ll say or do anything to get what he wants and you know that. Even if it means threatening to do something as drastic as take his own life. Deep inside, he thinks that if he says those things, you’ll come running back and it’ll be like nothing happened. He thinks if you think he’ll kill himself, you’ll forgive him everything he’s done to you lately. Before last night, when’s the last time you two were intimate together?”

You wracked his brain, trying to remember. Gackt had been so busy lately, so tired. He’d been stressed with his project load: TV shows, magazine shoots, interviews, the upcoming album. It was all piling up and Gackt hadn’t felt in the mood since…

“Three months,” You answered, his voice low and cracking.

Chacha nodded and turned back to the stove. You slouched in his chair at the table and cradled his face in his hands. How had things gotten so out of hand?

“When did this odd behavior start?”

You looked up as Cha set a bowl in front of him. The smell of steamed vegetables and broth made his stomach gurgle.

“About five weeks ago,” he said, accepting the bowl of rice Chacha offered next. “I woke up and he was gone. I found him in his office, talking to himself. I thought he was on the phone until I went in. Of course, he denied it. But, he’s been strange since then.”

Chacha sat down across from him, his expression thoughtful. “Has he mentioned his gift lately?”

“The ghosts, you mean?” Cha nodded. “Not lately, not to me. I know he’s been on the phone and in e-mails with Hyde a lot lately, but I doubt he’d talk to him about it, either. You think this has something to do with it?”

Chacha shrugged. “Satoru’s always been strange when it came to that. Along with all of his other personifications.”

“You think it’s all a ruse then?”

“It’s a possibility.”

You was taken aback by Chacha’s lack of compassion. He’d thought that of all people, their band leader would understand. Yet, it seemed that years of exposure to Gackt’s moods and behavior had almost numbed their elder member to the point of uncaring. It made You’s heart ache.

“Don’t think that I don’t care,” Chacha said softly, sitting near You with his own food. “I do care. I’m scared for him and what all of this might mean. But until he fesses up to the real underlying issue, what can we do?”

As much as he hated to admit it, You knew that his friend was right. Gackt had to come around, had to see that his behavior was affecting people, in order for them to work it out. If You had no clue what was wrong, then You would continue to be hurt by it.

They ate in silence for a time, a ticking clock on the wall providing the only ambient noise aside from the normal sounds of eating. Chacha’s landline phone rang in the living room. Excusing himself, he left to answer it, his voice low. You picked at his food then, shoving the bowl in circles with his chopsticks. His stomach turned suddenly and he pushed it away.

Chachamaru spent a few minutes on the phone. When he returned to the kitchen, he cleaned away the mess quickly.

“I have to go to work for a while. Our manager is about to have a meltdown. I shouldn’t be long.” He looked at You still sitting at the table looking miserable. “Don’t leave without me, okay?”

You nodded. Chachamaru went to him, tugged his hair gently to make him look up, then placed a kiss between You’s eyes. The guitarist saw fit to blush a little, but the small smile he gave was encouraging.

“You get run of the house. I’ll be back.”

You sat still for a few minutes before he made himself move. After cleaning up his own dishes, he wandered back to the room he’d slept in to make the bed. Instead, he curled up and hugged the pillows. He could still smell Chachamaru’s shampoo. Inhaling deeply, he felt himself relax. Closing his eyes, he thought back a number of years, smiling a little to himself.

He and the older man had always been close, but at one time, everyone expected them to get together. And maybe they’d thought so, too. Chachamaru was always good to You. He always knew how to make him laugh or smile. They shared a bond and the whole band was only waiting for things to go that one extra step. But it never did. The first, and only, time they’d slept together had sent You reeling. The night had been amazing, of course. Chachamaru had more talent than people knew about. Yet, hours before You had crawled into the leader’s bed, Gackt had told You that he loved him. That he wanted him. Almost in self defense, he’d said yes. But grief and guilt had sent him to Chachamaru.

No one knew that they’d done it. No one knew that Chachamaru had made love to You in a way that Gackt never could. That was a secret they guarded with their lives. They agreed to go on as they always had, and they did. Mostly. Neither of them counted on You really falling in love with Gackt, or what would happen after that. If he thought about it, You could understand why Cha could be so angry.

Sighing, he got up and made the bed, then decided to take a long, hot shower. Standing under the spray, You forced his mind to clear itself of the two men that loved him. Instead, he thought about home and his family. Maybe he should go see them. Take some vacation time. The band was pretty quiet right now. They wouldn’t miss him. He felt better when he got out, having made a decision. Dressing, he went to the living room and curled up on the couch to watch television while he waited for Chachamaru to return.

 

Gackt had slept poorly. He’d nearly climbed the walls when he’d found that You had gone. It only got worse when the other had refused to answer his calls. Hyde’s arrival had stopped him leaving. The older vocalist had gotten him to sit down and talk. Talking had led him nearly into a full-on breakdown, but Hyde was an expert at avoiding that. They’d had a few drinks, and he’d kept trying to call. Panic bit him again when it became apparent that You’s phone was shut off. It had really hit him how bad things were then, and the voice in his head had chattered gleefully.

_Leave you like they all do. Didn’t I tell you he wasn’t any different from the rest? He’s the one with the problem. I told you so!_

Hyde had left shortly after midnight, leaving Gackt to prowl the halls of his house. Nothing could occupy his mind. The constantly nagged him, causing him to yell out loud. The dogs fled and refused to be near him. He drank more and tried to sleep, but the noise in his head only grew louder. Finally, he managed forty-five minutes or so just before dawn. He woke abruptly with the echoes of his short conversation with Chacha resounding in his head. He’d hoped that one had been a dream, but reality told him otherwise. His head and heart ached as he pushed himself to get moving.

After a shower, he called You again, only to find that the phone was still off. He left a string of messages after that, fearing that his lover was gone from him for good. He drank tea on the deck, turning over every dark, painful possibility. The daylight made him look haggard, his lack of sleep more evident than ever in the midst of his panic. Hyde called to check on him at one point, but Gackt only vaguely registered the conversation. He knew that his friend meant well, but that didn’t matter right now. Only You mattered, and his phone was _still_ off.

When You finally answered, Gackt knew he should have been relieved. He knew he should have calmed to know that he was okay and somewhere safe. Instead, it was as if someone else had taken over. Someone else said everything to hurt You all over again. Anger rose in him, overriding his normally cool sense of self. He threw the phone as soon as the conversation ended, then proceeded to scream at himself for half an hour.

Sitting outside again, throat mildly sore, Gackt stared up at the sky. The clouds drifted by, peaceful and lazy; a mockery of the dark thunderheads twisting in his mind. He tried not to think, attempted to be numb. For the most part, he succeeded. But small things would creep in and he’d have to start over.

The sound of a car in the driveway in the early evening brought him out of his stupor. He reached the living room the moment the front door opened. The sight of You standing there made his heart skip. Gasping his name, Gackt lunged to pull the younger man into his arms, ignoring the hesitation before You returned the embrace. He could feel the guitarist trembling.

“You…” he began, but quickly stepped back when he finally spotted Chachamaru standing there. “You… didn’t come alone?”

“I couldn’t,” You said, hugging himself. “I just… I won’t be long…” He hurried away, refusing to look at either man.

They both watched him go, Gackt making a move to follow.

“Don’t.”

Faltering, he turned to the older man. “Why?”

“Because he won’t talk to you right now. Hell, he hardly said two words to me on the way over here.”

“I’m going to lose him, aren’t I?” Gackt sounded miserable.

“I couldn’t tell you, honestly.” Chacha’s voice took on a sympathetic tone. “He’s upset and worried and heart sick over you. He loves you, but I don’t think he knows why right now. If you push him, it will only make things worse.”

Gackt deflated a little. Part of him understood, but the rest of him was stubborn. It wanted everything back to normal NOW. Not this mess with You acting frightened of him.

“Is he staying with you?”

“I don’t know what he’s decided yet. The offer was made, though. But you know there are others who will take him in.”

“Do you think he’d stay for dinner? I’m sure I can come up with something…”

Chachamaru shook his head, almost sadly. “Don’t put him or yourself through it. Give it time, Gaku. Okay? Let him see where he is with things.”

Defeated, Gackt slunk away to the kitchen. He didn’t want to watch You leave. The guitarist watched him go from the all, eyes bright with tears. Taking a deep breath, he stepped out, going back to Chacha.

“I’ll be right back,” he said, setting his bag down.

Chacha wanted to argue, but he only nodded and let You go into the kitchen. Closing his eyes, he made himself be calm. He couldn’t fault You for wanting to at least try to talk to Gackt, but he wished he wouldn’t do it now. The wound between them was still too raw. Leaning on the wall, he kept his ear out on their hushed tones, and waited.

 

Just before three in the morning a few nights later, Chachamaru was yanked from sleep by the sound of terrified screaming emanating from You’s room. He fought off the blankets and charged down the hall. The door seemed glued shut at first as Chachamaru wrestled to open it, yelling for You who continued to scream. There were no locks on the doors, so it frustrated Chacha to no end that he couldn’t get in. He battered at the door with his shoulder, feeling himself bruise under the force of his own strength.

All at once, the screams stopped in mid-breath and the door flew open. Chacha tumbled into the room. The place was a mess with the bedclothes strewn everywhere, clothes scattered on the floor, and the bedside lamp on the floor. You had managed to squeeze himself into the corner by the dresser and was sobbing hysterically.

By the time Chacha got him calmed enough to talk without wanting to scream or cry again, all You would say is that Kami was trying to kill him, and all Gackt would do was watch.


End file.
